I woke up this morning at 5 am and tried to go back to sleep. My mind was playing tricks and I could not get it to settle down. I was trying hard to get grounded but everything seemed to go awry. I just could not feel comfortable inside myself. Negative thoughts and feelings were in my way. I knew I needed to correct myself but it was very difficult. I tried a mantra which helped a little but those negative thoughts still prevailed. I sat at my computer searching for answers. Almost seven hours had gone by and I was still trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I kept looking for answers but I could not find them.
I must confess, I¹ve always been the kind of guy who keeps everything inside. I never wanted to burden anyone with my feelings because I believed I could handle my problems by myself. I¹d never discussed my innermost feelings with anyone. I¹d search for answers from others who I thought knew more than me. I read about metaphysics but could not remember or retain all the information mostly because I didn¹t think much of myself as a person.
I grew up in a home where conversation and communication didn¹t exist. Whatever anger and sadness I felt was kept inside. I was afraid to communicate my feelings. I¹d make it up that I was strong and could handle any situation. My low esteem led to my feeling retarded so I stayed in the background and only ventured forth for selfish reasons.
In my mind I made myself right by running away from the real world I lived in. I¹d make up stories to please my ego, but my soul and spirit suffered. I judged everybody and everything to satisfy my childish needs. I was too wrapped up in myself to know my life wasn¹t working the way I wanted it to. I¹d blame everyone. It was always: ³You did it to me, you did it to me². I believed it yet I never quite understood it. I realize now I was causing it to myself.
I was going nuts this morning trying to figure out what the heck was wrong with me and why I was so depressed. Judy gave me the answer and I will remember it for the rest of my life. She said, ³Go look into a mirror for fifteen minutes and you¹ll see who you really are.² Because of my low opinion of myself, I never really looked into a mirror for more time than it took me to shave every day.
I went into my bedroom, pulled a chair over to the mirror and started my lesson. I was about three feet from the mirror just staring at myself with a zillion thoughts running through my mind. Slowly I found my breathing began to come easier and my mind began to quiet down. At first I wanted to run away but I kept saying to myself, ³Stay with it Danny, stay with it. Don¹t go south². I knew my life depended on it.
Slowly I found my breathing began to come easier and my mind began to quiet down. I was wishing the 15 minutes were over but I stuck with it. At a point, I flicked on the lights and got closer to the mirror, so I could really see myself. The closer I got the more I became aware of who I was.
I saw Danny as another person, a person who looked good in the mirror. I saw a human being, loved and respected by family, friends and acquaintances, a person who thought highly of himself, a person who could handle any situation, not stupid, but bright, not selfish but giving, not fake but real living day to day and moment to moment.
Doing mirror therapy gave me a look at myself I¹d never seen before and now I know anytime I get down on myself, the mirror treatment will give me the answer I am seeking. I have nothing to be afraid of by looking into the mirror anymore. It reveals a true alive picture of the person I love and respect. I¹ll do that mirror work every day.
