The way we behave is a refection of what we think about ourselves and how we deal with our issues.
As children, our parents accepted or rejected certain behavior. Depending on their tolerance we were allowed or not allowed to express ourselves in different ways. Some were strict and others permissive. Some children were given more leeway than others.
In my home my mother was an aggressive parent while my father, though strict, believed he loved me unconditionally. Both were controlling in their own ways. My older brother constantly abused his older sibling status by fighting with me both physically and emotionally. I looked up to him, nevertheless.
In the war zone in which I lived, for my own survival, I chose my father and brother to be my heroes and my mother became the enemy which affected many of my decisions on how I behaved around men and women. Also for my survival I learned how to be stoic. In order to feel loved and accepted, how I behaved in front of others depended on how I believed they wanted me to be. I was rewarded when I kept my true emotions undercover. While I screamed for attention I cried in the privacy of my bedroom which became my “fantasy fortress”. I acted out my frustrations and hid my fears from my family and when I needed to I pretended to be a happy go lucky kid. Much of my behavior wasn’t genuine or real but an imitation of my skewed perception of how I believed the world worked. Mostly I took my cues from the Hollywood version of what I heard on the radio or what I saw in the movies.
Because I was bullied at home I adopted bully behavior outside where I fought for my independence to conceal how scared I felt so much of the time. The streets are where I developed a false sense of security because it was a safer environment than inside my own home. My behavior was erratic as it had little basis in reality. My bravado and athletic prowess placed me in a leadership role with the neighborhood boys. I rarely played with girls unless it was one on one. Unfortunately my behavior was intimidating to the other kids on the block. In retrospect I believe I was feared rather than liked though I always had one best friend at a time. I behaved differently with a one on one friend than I did in groups. I pretended to love life and developed a funny personality thinking this would make others love me. Acting the clown got me through some difficult situations through my growing up years.
In my early teens I had to defend myself when I was bullied by an older boy who lived on my street. The altercation was ego bruising and eye opening. I changed my behavior after that incident and learned how to be more of a pleaser and less of a bully so others would like me better. I remembered how to be generous, how to practice good sportsmanship and how to get along well with others. These qualities were reflected in my behavior and they grew with me into adulthood though I still screamed to be heard. It wasn’t until my daughter Gerri was sixteen when I finally stopped screaming for attention.
It was the year I flew in an airplane for the very first time and we were seated in first class. My father was going to a business trade show in L os Angeles. I was invited with my mother and favorite aunt Lil from Boston to assist with running his company’s booth. It was the first time I had ever been away from my family without being hospitalized. It turned out that I wasn’t needed for business so I made it a vacation while visiting “show biz” friends who lived in the Hollywood Hills.
After one week, my mother had a heart attack and was rushed to the hospital. For two years prior to that she had adopted a different personality. She was calmer and not so crazy and at times seemed almost comatose. None of us were able to figure out why she had changed. The doctors requested a list of her medications and my brother discovered a series of prescription drugs in her medicine cabinet back at her apartment in New York. She had been popping prescription pills from multiple doctors for two years that no one knew about. Her birth certificate was also requested and when my dad checked it out he discovered she had lied about her age by five years which made her that much older than him. We were all pretty much in shock though it made sense to me as one reason why she had problems raising me. She was older when she birthed me and I was an extremely high energy child. Somehow it elicited a new sense of compassion in me. The incident also extended my stay in L.A. as everyone else had to return to N.Y.
It was an extraordinary vacation. I had time for myself to calmly reflect, discover and reveal different issues I had been struggling with. One noticeable conscious change was I stopped screaming inside and leveled my voice to a calmer pitch. I no longer carried around my anger as if it were attached to my body. When I allowed myself to detach from thoughts and emotions that had ruled my life I discovered a sense of freedom and peace emanating from within me. I began to experience love in a very different way and it affected how I projected it out into the world. I became acutely aware of the transformation of my behavior and made a conscious decision to bring this new Self with me when I returned home.
However, there were ramifications connected with my new way of being. I believed that everyone around me would be pleased and thrilled to be in the presence of a calmer and more loving acceptable me. That turned out not to be true. Apparently my children couldn’t quite figure out who this new person was and had difficulty relating to her. Gerri and Kenny both continually tested my limits by goading and enticing me to return to my old behavior. It presented an extraordinary opportunity for me to prevail and on the most part I did.
Six months later Gerri had a huge meltdown when she attempted to heatedly argue with me about some inconsequential issue. I was so overcome by her heartfelt hysteria I held her in my arms and tried to calm her down. In the heat of the moment I simply asked her what in the world had created such a strong reaction for the situation to get so out of control. Her response astonished me. Between heaves and sighs she told me that she believed I didn’t love her anymore because I had stopped screaming at her and that meant I didn’t care. Needless to say I was flabbergasted. For six months I had changed my behavior imagining I was creating a projection of my love only to discover that it was not received in the way it was intended. It was then I realized how toxic programmed behavior could be. After that it took a lot of communicating and consistency in my behavior to transform the damage I had done. After some time it all worked out through relearning reprogramming reteaching and continually returning to my own true Self.
When we match our language and behavior to how we truly feel about loving our Selves, how we were programmed doesn’t exist in that environment. We can literally separate our learned critical judgements and considerations from who we authentically are.
‘Love unto others as I would have others love unto me’ is my way of letting go of my old programmed thoughts, feelings, emotions, body sensations and the beliefs I adopted as I was developing without letting go of my desired personality. That personality is separate from the ME that I Am. As long as I separate my personality self from old conditioned responses I have no attachment to her. We coexist without critical thinking or judgmental behavior. We can choose not to react but to take action when needed. We can love unconditionally and BE one with each other. We can choose to live in balance in the presence of our God Self. We courageously face the world as a fearless adventure and an opportunity to share our best Selves with anyone who desires to journey with us. We are willing to shout our information out into the universe and listen for the response. We are willing to allow our behavior to inspire and empower others to use it for themselves and then continue to recreate the chain of empowerment until it far outreaches all that we can imagine.
Transforming behavior does indeed become our savior when we come from loving ourselves for no possible reason, excuse or condition and we share that love with all who inhabit our world.
And this is how I live a magical life.
