Many years ago I participated in the est training where I learned how to analyze an upset. As a result, I developed skills in practicing and mastering how to deal with thoughts that create it.
All upsets start with a thought connected to a past experience. As children, when we are ill equipped to deal with a traumatic or in crisis experience, we tend to push it inward to a place where we hide the shame or embarrassment Unfortunately we arrest our development at the age this occurs. So as adults, when a similar experience connected with that issue, it triggers the memory. Thoughts, feelings, emotions, body sensations, verbal spewings, behavior and physical demonstrations including violence can easily follow and it’s all a reaction and a reminder from that past experience. Those verbal and behavioral reactions can often present themselves as benign or sometimes volatile.
Upsets are part of the human condition. Everyone gets upset. Everyone wants to be right. Nobody wants to be wrong. Unfortunately, in having to be right, someone or something else has to be wrong. This comes from critical judgments we’ve lived with since that initial experience stopped us from literally growing up where that particular issue is concerned. But judgments are just thoughts, and every human being thinks.
As a child growing up, I observed mostly everyone judging almost everything. My parents judged each other and everyone else in their world. In many instances my experiences didn’t match their criticisms of others leaving me confused and questioning.
Judgments have to do with something having to be better than something else, good or bad, right or wrong, even negative and positive when used as a way of being right. Critical thinking is based in old fears we developed as we were growing up. As children, incidents happened in our lives that made us afraid. And at the bottom of all those incidents are one of several conditions.
When we have expectations about the way we want things to be, and they’re not happening that way, we set ourselves up for disappointment. When we try to change others to fit our pictures of them, without success, we experience hopelessness and defeat. As I mentioned earlier, this can create huge upsets with very dire consequences.
The day I got married, Danny had certain expectations of the way a wedding was supposed to be. His picture was different than mine but he never shared that with me. On the day we were married, after several harrowing experiences, I was nervous and my father joked with me to help me relax as we were walking down the aisle. I was laughing nervously and Danny took it as a sign of disrespect and was upset and disappointment. Unbeknownst to me he decided then and there our marriage was a mistake and he never shared that with me at the time. From then on, without my knowledge, he tried everything he knew to change me into the person he had this picture of. Years later when he revealed his secret I understood why our relationship, so early on, had taken such a turn.
At a point in our marriage we had an opportunity to buy a piece of property at a ridiculous price in Bull Head City across from Laughlin Nevada’s three gambling casinos. That property would have secured our future and the future of our children had we taken the risk.Danny’s fear prevented us from taking the plunge. I was angry and I blamed him for being too fearful. I let that come between us for a long time.
When we allow others to stop us from doing something, we’ll be upset, blame them and become frustrated or angry and that can put a monkey wrench in any relationship.
When we hold back from speaking the truth because we’re afraid we’ll hurt someone, our communication becomes stifled. When we internalize resentment, we punish others when they really don’t deserve it, then upsets are inevitable.
Had Danny communicated his thoughts and feelings to me on the day of our wedding he would have been able to work out his resentment and he wouldn’t have had to carry his upset around with him for so many years. Had I communicated my upset at him for not being willing to take a risk I would have been able to work out my anger so I could let it go.
And those are just two examples of many situations that happened during the years we were married.
When we’re aware of these conditions every time we become upset, we can identify what our true needs are at that moment, and we’re able to deal with them responsibly. And the beauty is, we have the power to stop ourselves anywhere in the process. No one has the power to upset us unless we allow them to.
Reactions to upsets can be benign or volatile. All upsets start with a thought connected to a past experience. Feelings and emotions follow. Sometimes we have a physical reaction as a result and aren’t aware enough to identify the correlation. Verbal abuse can easily follow. Then the ultimate reaction could be violence to ourselves and others.
There is a process to practice solutions to an upset. Through conscious awareness and first taking responsibility for creating my own upset, I learned to stop myself from reacting, emotionally, physically and neurologically. After a time I was able to stop myself anywhere in the process, from the moment of thought, through the feelings, emotions, body sensations and in the middle of a scream fest or what I call the center of insanity. Then I had the ability to take the appropriate action at any given moment during my upset.
Upsets are caused from childhood decisions that were influenced by expectations and obstructed communications and intentions. Instead of seeing things through the eyes of an adult, we’re still being influenced by the child that lives inside us. Upsets occur when we are reminded of those childhood memories. When we nurture that child and refuse to give in to irresponsible childish behavior we can choose an appropriate adult response. By acknowledging “what’s so” and saying, “I’m sorry” and forgiving ourselves and others, a simple apology can accomplish amazing results.
Many years ago, after moving to California I returned to New York to visit my brother. He and I spent three hours alone in the car with no distractions driving to his country home. It was then I confronted him about all the times he tormented me as we were growing up. To his credit, he didn’t resist or deny my queries and after explaining his position he simply apologized and spoke of his regrets and sorrow for the pain he had caused. It was as simple as that and I forgave him. Since that conversation my whole relationship changed with him.
It really doesn’t matter how upset we are, it’s how we handle it and how fast we recover that makes the difference. When we step away from our critical thinking and observe and speak the truth without judgment we begin to heal the wounds of childhood memories leaving us free to experience our own value and Self worth.
With practice we discover the source of our core beliefs and issues, we can test, clear, reprogram and re-pattern any unworkable thoughts and inappropriate childish behavior that have kept us from experiencing the true beauty of our authentic Selves. When we begin with the premise that we deserve to choose Self love and our own magnificence, it is simpler to manage our emotions, feelings, body sensations and thoughts allowing our upsets to disappear. Then, when upsets happen around us, we can behave as a healthy grown up and be there to support and assist those we love and care about.
Having learned this process, I now choose unconditional love and the experience of my own magnificence so that I and others in my world can live a magical life.
