The following was an article printed in a periodical under the heading Awareness, written in the 1970’s. I will be discussing the joy of being alone in future witings.
Aloneness opposed to loneliness is an area I’ve learned to deal with in my own personal life. I notice lonely people rarely experience love, happiness, joy, feelings of aliveness, a sense of well being and good health or full self expression. Yet I have observed people who have chosen to be alone, experience good times, loving feelings and the ability to express themselves fully.
I was nine years old the first time I remember experiencing a deep sense of loneliness. My brother, six and one half years my senior, was resentfully taking care of me. He decided to go out and leave me alone in our four story, twelve room house, which suddenly at that moment seemed to expand three sizes. I was scared. But after much coaxing and urging, he left me dressed in my Indian vest and full feathered headdress, holding his BB rifle, practically taking an oath in blood that I’d never tell our parents.
He left and I was alone. Panic and terror struck me and it was during the next few hours that my mind began to control my experience. Rather than using that time of aloneness to do something constructive to add to my aliveness, thoughts of fear and anger built in my mind while my body took on the appropriate reactions like nausea, dizziness, heavy heart pounding and shivering, until my behavior was patterned totally after my thoughts. I had lost control and became my mind. All the natural love and aliveness were stifled by my anger and fear. I was left alone and because I was angry and afraid, I DECIDED that being alone was terribly lonely and I didn’t like it. I blamed my brother for my loneliness and when he returned, I stood at the door, BB gun in hand, refusing him entry until, after threats of homicide, I opened the door.
I never told the truth about that incident until years later. The worst of it is I pretended not to be frightened or angry and I even pretended that it never happened at all. I withheld any communication about it, and as a result of that lie, a PATTERN developed. Any time after that when I was left alone, I AUTOMATICALLY felt lonely, and the more I RESISTED the loneliness, the more lonely I felt. And since I connected loneliness with anger and fear, I was lonely, angry and afraid whenever I was alone, pretending I wasn’t. I found it very difficult to be with me as my mind powerfully controlled my Self. So my decision that aloneness was the same as loneliness kept me from fully expressing my self or experiencing my own magnificence. That pattern ran my life.
Since I acknowledged the truth about it too many years later, I don’t blame my brother, I know it was MY decision to handle it the way I did. I am responsible and I’ve forgiven myself. When my mind is quiet, I love my Self, I am joyously alive, I love being with my Self and sometimes I cherish being alone. And when I’m with people, it’s not because I’m lonely or afraid to be alone, it’s to share my love and well being with them. I can’t tell you how satisfying it is to let go of the judgments that are stored in my mind. I allowed so many judgments to close me off from experiencing the miracles that are now part of my everyday life.
Those miracles are there for all of us. They are not unique to me. If you are holding on to something that needs to be communicated and you feel you can’t tell a living soul, stand in front of your mirror and say it out loud to the person you see in there. Say it again and again until it is all right with you. Now, say it to the person you’ve been withholding it from, until it’s all right with them. Notice how much lighter you feel. Do this with all your incomplete communications and you will know joy and happiness in a way that you will never be lonely, even when you’re alone.
